DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I got married over a decade ago, there was no bridal shower or wedding reception.
We started to plan a reception, but it was canceled by his aunt and my mother; they did not ask me or my husband. They promised to plan a reception for us later, but never did.
All we wanted was a simple potluck, and we were willing to make most of it because my husband is an excellent cook and I can bake.
It was embarrassing for me, because it made me the only woman in my church, and in my family, to be denied a wedding reception and a bridal shower. But it hurt my husband more. He feels like my family never really welcomed him, and it’s a big reason why he doesn’t want anything to do with my mom.
I don’t know how to fix this. If I tried to hold a “reception” now, my family would only show up out of obligation, which would just hurt my husband more and embarrass me all over again.
We could do a vow renewal ceremony, but that would also just make the situation worse, I fear. He’s an atheist and I am without a religion at the moment, and both of our families are fairly religious. We would have to have a member of the clergy involved to avoid hearing the riot act from our families.
Would it be rude to have any kind of celebration of our wedding this late? Would it be rude to do it without inviting either family? Should I tell my mom why my husband really hates her?
How do I fix this so my husband feels like our wedding has been properly recognized?
GENTLE READER: Oh, dear. It is unfortunate that your relatives behaved irresponsibly when you got married. And Miss Manners understands the importance of ceremonial traditions.
So you will perhaps forgive her for saying that it is high time to let go of a wedding fantasy/grudge.
You’ve had a successful marriage for more than 10 years — or you wouldn’t be thinking of renewing your vows! Why aren’t you celebrating?
Throw yourselves an anniversary party in whatever style you like. If you maintain a lighthearted atmosphere, you can get away with adding whatever wedding trimmings you want — a white dress, a tiered cake and some newly written vows, now that you know more about each other.
Just, please, no bridal shower.
As for the families: Invite them or not, as you like. This is not a wedding, where it would be pointed to omit them. If they have treated your husband badly all these years, you will not want them there anyway.
Conversely, if the canceled reception is your only complaint, including them may finally make peace among you.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister’s family celebrates holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. with family gatherings — which are very lovely. However, they always set a time to open gifts in front of everyone.
I feel that this practice may put those who cannot afford splendid gifts in an uncomfortable position. What do you suggest?
GENTLE READER: That you should stop the nasty practice of evaluating presents in monetary terms, and appreciate them all as expressions of generosity.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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