DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are at the point in our lives where we are frequently invited to weddings, often destination weddings.
Our friends, most of them affluent, often choose to get married in Europe (or somewhere else far away) to “keep costs down,” even though the flights and hotels make things more expensive for guests.
One particularly egregious example is the daughter of a centimillionaire who held her wedding abroad “to save money” — and so that her guests would “have an opportunity to take a vacation.”
In the view of myself and my fiance, this behavior is selfish and rude. What do you think?
GENTLE READER: That you need only decline the invitation, which will indeed save them money.
If everyone declines, they should save quite a bit, as will the invitees. This strikes Miss Manners as a win-win situation.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I suffer from a debilitating medical condition where I can’t function in the heat for more than a couple minutes.
If I am in the heat any longer, the symptoms I suffer are severe. It’s so bad that I was diagnosed with a disability.
To get a slight reprieve from the sun, when walking between buildings at work or in parking lots, I use a sun umbrella.
When doing this, I often receive rude comments from people inquiring, “When is the rain coming?” or something similar, or even worse.
What would be an appropriate response to these comments or questions?
GENTLE READER: “It’s a parasol, silly!”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I went out to a newly opened restaurant for dinner. Toward the end of the meal, the waiter asked how things were.
I replied that my meal (chicken parm over spaghetti) was very good, but that the deep cast-iron dish it had been baked in, and subsequently served in, was challenging to eat from.
My wife chastised me for saying this, which I thought was odd coming from an outspoken woman. She said that I should have only said how good the food was, since the waitstaff has no control over the serving dishes.
Apparently, according to her, I’m only supposed to say something if it’s a compliment.
GENTLE READER: Your wife, like just about everyone else, has mistaken the restaurant-customer relationship for a social one.
However pleasant the atmosphere as a setting for socializing, restaurants are businesses that sell cooked food. Especially as this is a new restaurant, its owners want you to return and to recommend it.
So while it would be rude to criticize a private host’s meal, it is not only acceptable but also useful to state politely any concerns at restaurants. A waiter should not take this personally, but should assure you that the criticism is useful and will be reported.
What Miss Manners finds worse than your wife’s confusion is that many people also do the opposite and treat private hosts as if they were running businesses: dictating or criticizing the menu, seizing leftovers, and even failing to show up after accepting invitations. They might not dare to do the latter to a restaurant, for legitimate fear of being charged.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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