DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were going on vacation for our anniversary. When our neighbors learned we were renting a two-bedroom, two-bathroom condo, they invited themselves along.
We didn’t know how to say no but were a bit encouraged by the thought that our rental would be cheaper shared.
The couple, unknown to us, thought the trip was free for them. They kept telling everyone we met that they were on a free vacation, when we’d paid nearly $3,000 for the accommodations. They did not pay a penny, nor have they offered.
Are we wrong for thinking this was rude? How can we politely ask them to pay a portion of the costs?
GENTLE READER: First, Miss Manners must teach you how to say no politely.
Inviting oneself on an anniversary trip is already appalling. Expecting it to be paid for is bonkers.
What you could have said at the time was, “This is an anniversary trip, but we would be happy to figure out an occasion to vacation with you. Perhaps when it is the anniversary of us being neighbors?”
But if you really feel that you had no choice and now want some compensation out of the deal, you can still tell them, “You know, I should have said so in the first place, but we were not expecting to have guests for our anniversary trip. However, since you came along, your half of the condo is XYZ dollars.”
Do not pose this as a question. And if they balk at it and push back? Tell them the polite no that you should have told them in the first place.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a friend who frequently invites us by for brunch. She has a lovely, immaculate, pet-free and pristine home.
We feel as though we should reciprocate the invitation. However, our home is the antithesis of hers: small, cluttered and quite pet-friendly. We want to invite her over, but we feel that she would not be comfortable in our home.
Plus, she often doesn’t even eat much of the food that she serves at brunch, so we aren’t even sure of her dietary preferences.
Should we not worry too much about these things and go ahead with an offered invitation? We don’t want to put her on the spot, but we also don’t want her to think we only want to see her in her own home.
GENTLE READER: Presuming that one’s home or food will never be good enough for an exceptional host has left many an exceptional host exasperated and resentful that their generosity is never reciprocated.
Miss Manners therefore insists that you invite this friend over immediately. Clean your house, inquire about allergies (both pet and food) and do your best. Your friend will no doubt appreciate the effort.
Because for all you know, the minute you leave her pristine house, the crammed closets burst open and the critters run for their lives.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
<
