DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been swamped with work. I work in a high-demand environment and have recently been securing a number of new high-end clients. This means early days, late nights and busy lunches.
My girlfriend is not happy with how rigorous my work schedule has been these past few months; she’s expressed it to me, but I haven’t had time to do anything about it.
Recently, she started filling her time with one of our friends — a guy. It started off mostly as a casual shared dinner here and there, but it’s been a lot more consistent lately, and it has expanded to other activities such as movies, walks and more.
I’ve tried expressing that I don’t appreciate how close they’ve gotten, but I don’t have much of a leg to stand on. She always blames me for her being lonely.
I don’t want to seem insecure, but it makes me uncomfortable.
— Working Hard
DEAR WORKING HARD: The next time you have a moment to be still and have a full conversation with your girlfriend, invite her to talk.
Apologize for being so busy of late. Explain that your work is extremely busy right now, and in order for you to prosper at your company, you have to show up and give 100%.
Tell her you understand that she misses you and is lonely. Do not promise her something that you cannot offer, even as you tell her that you want to find time to be more present for her in the coming months.
That said, next tell her that you are concerned about the relationship she has with the man who is becoming her constant companion. Acknowledge that you know she is lonely, but you worry that this may slip into a more intimate relationship simply due to how much time they are spending together. Ask her what the status of their friendship is now. Implore her to be honest with you even if she thinks it may hurt your feelings.
Let her know what behavior would represent a dealbreaker for your relationship. Don’t be vague. Be upfront so that she is clear about the consequences of her actions.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the years, my mom and I have struggled to forge the ideal smooth-sailing mother-daughter bond that other people have.
We used to bump heads a lot. Now that we no longer bump heads, we just have a hard time connecting and enjoying each other.
I want things to get better, but she often compares my relationship with her to the one I have with my dad. My dad and I are pretty playful together, and he’s easy to talk to. I think my mom constantly mocking the dynamic I have with my dad is her version of banter or “breaking the ice,” but I wish she would stop comparing so that she and I could find our own groove.
How do I get her on the same page as me?
— Mommy Issues
DEAR MOMMY ISSUES: Invite your mother to do things with you without your father. When she makes comparisons, change the subject.
Find one thing you both like, and suggest that you explore that together regularly. Focus on her and let her see that you want to spend time with her independent of your father. Accept that your bond with her is unique, and be OK with that.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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