DEAR HARRIETTE: Lately, I’ve noticed my teenage daughter becoming more secretive. She spends a lot of time in her room glued to her phone, and she isn’t as open with me as she used to be.
I know this is normal for teens, but I can’t help but feel a little disconnected and worried.
Recently, I found out by accident that she has a private social media account under a different username. She never mentioned it to me, and it’s clearly meant to be kept hidden from adults, including her parents.
I haven’t confronted her about the account yet because I don’t want to betray her trust or make her feel like I’m spying on her. At the same time, I’m concerned about what she might be posting or who she’s interacting with online.
Social media can be a risky place, especially for young girls, and I just want to make sure she’s safe. I’m trying to balance respecting her growing independence with my responsibility to guide and protect her. But I’m not sure how to bring this up without making her shut down or feel like I’m invading her privacy.
How do I start this conversation in a way that opens the door instead of closing it? And how can I create a sense of trust while still setting appropriate boundaries?
— Finsta
DEAR FINSTA: It is common for young people to have secret social media accounts that their parents cannot access. You should not try to get her to show this to you, as it won’t work. She can just make another.
Instead, continue to teach her about what she should keep private and what is OK to post. Remind her that she should never post nudity, any -isms (racism, sexism, prejudice of any kind), alcohol or drugs.
I’ve known some parents who ask another younger person to be their confidant and keep tabs on their kids’ secret accounts.
This is where trust is essential. You cannot address it directly. Just continue to guide your daughter toward honorable behavior.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom is gearing up for her next big step in life — retirement!
She couldn’t be more excited, and my siblings and I are so happy for her.
So much has been going on in my own life, it didn’t cross my mind to plan a proper celebration for her. Earlier this week, my older sister reached out and asked if we should throw a shindig, invite all her friends and surprise my mom after she works her last day. I think the idea is spectacular!
The only problem is that I can’t quite afford to throw any kind of blowout right now. My siblings don’t know that, and I am too embarrassed to tell them.
How can I help make this time special for my mom without exposing my own financial struggles?
— Celebrating on a Budget
DEAR CELEBRATING ON A BUDGET: It is essential that you own your situation and speak up. Tell your siblings how excited you are about the idea of surprising your mother with a party. Offer to do as much as you can to make it special, and say upfront that you have limited resources right now.
Tell them how much money you can offer, as painful as it may be to say out loud. If you don’t tell them, they can’t know and may make assumptions about what you will contribute. In lieu of dollars, offer time, creativity and sweat equity.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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