DEAR ABBY: Whenever my partner and I share errands or tasks, he never fails to comment on how much time and effort each of us puts into the project.
He says things like, “You said it would only be an hour, but you took an hour and a half,” or, “You said you’d take a five-minute break and you took a half-hour.”
When I respond, he replies, “I’m not complaining about it. I’m just telling you.” When I get upset, he accuses me of “getting defensive” or says he “doesn’t like how I’m treating him, because he doesn’t treat me that way.”
Why do you think he feels it’s OK to make seemingly negative comments about my efforts and then tell me “it is no big deal” or he is “just making an observation”? How should I respond to his evaluations of me?
— DOING MY BEST IN ILLINOIS
DEAR DOING: My goodness. It almost seems like your partner never puts down his stopwatch.
The next time he does it, your response should be, “That’s it. Now I’m making an observation. What you’re doing is a big deal. It is passive-aggressive. We need couples counseling now because it could ruin our relationship.”
Then schedule an appointment and, if your partner refuses to go with you, go alone, because when you do, you will gain insight.
DEAR ABBY: I was married for 20 years to a man who slowly isolated me from friends and family until I had no one but him to rely on. Now 49 and divorced, I am without close friends.
For the last two years, I’ve been actively trying to build connections. I go to church and volunteer, rent a plot at the community garden to meet other gardeners, attend events at the local library, chat with vendors at the farmers market and know all my neighbors by name.
People are friendly, and I’m well-liked, but I am still alone every Friday night. It seems like everyone I meet is either too busy or too wrapped up in their own lives to make room for a new friend.
If this were just happening to me, I’d chalk it up to my age or stage in life. But my sons, who are 18 and 20, are struggling to find meaningful friendships too.
Is this just how the world is now? Where have all the friendships gone?
— FRIENDLESS IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR FRIENDLESS: Bear in mind that friendships are usually built over time and common interest.
Have you tried inviting any of these church or gardening acquaintances over on a weekend night? Have you discussed this with your religious adviser? If you haven’t, that’s what I would recommend.
As to your sons and their socialization problem, assuming they are continuing their education, suggest they become active in sports or special interest clubs on campus. If that fails, they should talk to a counselor and ask how they can better integrate themselves into the student body.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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