DEAR MISS MANNERS: For almost 20 years, I’ve worked with the same group of nine people. Every birthday is celebrated with a party, cake and gifts. Every birthday, every year … except mine.
No one, including myself, has ever commented on the omission in all these years.
Twice, I threw out a hint by asking if anyone had dined at a certain restaurant, as my husband was taking me there next week for my birthday. But no one acted upon the clue.
I don’t care as much about the party or gifts as I do about the recognition that I exist. I know I should have spoken up years ago, but didn’t.
Shall I continue to keep silent and celebrate privately? Perhaps whisper the omission into a co-worker’s ear and repeat that process until it’s acted upon? Quietly proclaim that as I’ve never been an honoree, I no longer care to be a participant?
I can’t for the life of me find a polite way to shout out, “Hey! What about me?”
GENTLE READER: It is hard for Miss Manners to believe that, for 20 years, your nine co-workers have adamantly refused to acknowledge your birthday while flagrantly celebrating their own. It is more likely there is a list somewhere, made by someone in HR or management who has long since left the company, and that your birthday was inadvertently omitted from it.
If you really need office cake this badly, she suggests you go to current HR or management and ask — in a polite, non-accusatory, somewhat apologetic and embarrassed way — if that is the case.
If not, from everything Miss Manners has heard about workplace birthday parties, someone may well be happy to swap theirs out for yours.
[The Dear Abby column recently addressed a workplace birthday snub, too. Here’s what Abby said.]
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, I had a major health event, which all my friends know about. I am still recovering and get tired easily.
When a group of friends are dining out, once we’ve finished and paid, one person sometimes wants to stay and nurse their drink and chat. And because I have manners, I don’t feel it’s polite or nice to leave them at the table alone.
However, I then end up staying way past my physical limit, feeling angry and resentful for being “stuck” due to common courtesy.
What is the right course of action here? I want to simply say, “I’m sorry that I can’t stay to keep you company. I wish I could, but I’m completely exhausted and need to get home and rest.”
One time, it was snowing and the person who elected to stay had no ride home. Yes, she could’ve gotten a ride-share, but it was late at night. I feel like I should’ve said something like, “I’m sorry, but I need to leave now, so if you want a ride home, we’ll have to go.”
GENTLE READER: Either of these responses is polite. But Miss Manners assures you that using your recovery as an excuse is not necessary. You are allowed to be tired and go home whenever you want. Clearly, your other friends have no problem with the concept.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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